Musings of the Silver Cat

Losing yourself

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:42:02 GMT

When you lose your job you lose so much more than "just" the money. At first, when I lost my job, there were many practical things to deal with. Since I live in a very bureaucratic country one of my first tasks was to fill in forms and collect certificates that had to be delivered to the right addresses. The job center, the union etc. I had to prove that I was really unemployed, that I didn't have any hidden income and that I was able and "willing" to "take" a job. Willing - of course I was willing, otherwise I would starve. Starvation feeds willingness. And to "take" a job - of course I would be happy to "take" any job that was offered to me, but after applying to more jobs than I can remember it's obvious that no one will.

It's not only the financial part that gets you down. When you have to think about if you can take that bus or if you can't because you need to buy groceries and pay the bills. What also happens is that you risk losing yourself. You tend to keep to yourself so you won't have to answer the traditional questions or respond when people take things for granted.

"What do you DO all day?"

What do they think? Applying for jobs of course. Trying to find ways to cut costs. Baking and cooking to stay alive on a budget.

"Of course there are jobs if you want them." Sure there are jobs, but since I'm not the only one who's lost my job, there's a lot of us wanting a job. If there are 400 applicants for one position, you can do "everything" right and still not even get asked to come to an interview.

Another question that seems innocent, but that hurts a lot is 'What do you do? - meaning 'what kind of work do you do?'. I never felt that I WAS my job. What I worked with had nothing to do with who I was. But people do make that connection and when you don't have a job you stop being someone. From one day to another I went from being someone to being nothing.

I once had someone comment on my blog, telling me I should stop whining, get myself an education and get a job. I'm sure he was convinced that I was fresh out of school, too lazy to get an education. And that I was lazy and didn't want a job. At that time I had only been unemployed for about 2 weeks. I answered that and told him that I had been working in the same place since 1999. If I was so lazy, how come I had been working there for so long?

And as for getting an education - I'm sure I had a much better education than he did. Apart from my BA, I have read other subjects at the university as well other types of courses. He never answered me in my blog and didn't approve my comment in his blog. His comment says so much about how people in general view those who have lost their jobs. We're lazy, we don't want to "take" a job and we have been too lazy to get an education. And when someone challenges their opinions, their world view, if you like, they just stay away, nursing their own version of the truth.

The worst part, though, is that after a while, you start believing in those other people. Not about being lazy, I know I'm not. And not about not having an education, A quick look through my CV tells me that's not right. But that I'm a nobody, a nonperson. And I 'm afraid that other people will think so. I seem to find proof of that everyday. Other people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they won't see me anymore. No one calls, emails or keeps in touch. And when I don't even get an acknowledgement from companies where I've applied for jobs, then it does seem to confirm that their image of me is true. I have lost myself.

7 Ways and 7 Days to Renew Your Life - First step

Mon, 04 May 2009 08:40:37 GMT

Oh I know, it sounds a bit like a cliché, but when I read about it on a website, I felt that it was talking directly to me. I know I would really need to change my life. I feel I've ended up in some kind of vacuum from where I don't know where to do next. Of course I have made plans and I'm working on putting them into effect, but if I don't believe in myself it will be difficult. That's why I've decidet to try this method I found on that website. Today is the first day of the 7 step program. The idea is to do this programs several times and if it works out I will:).

DAY 1: Re-charge - A Day of Commitment

Clean out your old thought patterns. Don't think: "I can't", or "why does this always happen to me?". Instead, try to find solutions where you only used to see problems. Try to think: "I can do this", "I know I'm good at this".

Create a mental hideway where you feel safe when you need to recharge your batteries. It could be a meadow on a beautiful summer day or a deserted shore or whatever suits your needs. If you start to fall back on your old negative thoughts then withdraw to your own private place.

Put on some music you like. Shut out the ordinary life for a little while and just take care of yourself. Visit your own place and start your journey towards a better life. It's your life so don't let other people or your own negative thoughts stop you from living the life you could be living. I'm already on my way to a better life.:)

New community!

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 20:04:12 GMT

Today, my sister and I created a new microcommunity. It’s a sort of personal Twitter. The members post short status update messages, just like on Twitter, but this is a community - in this case one especially about veganism, animal rights and similar issues.

You’re welcome to come in and take a look:

Tabernus - The Green Cafe

The future is here

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:52:23 GMT

Eddie is only 4 years old and he spends every day in a virtual world. No, I’m not talking about the average computer game player, but the Artificial Intelligence created at Rensselaer Artificial Intelligence and Reasoning Lab. Eddie is programmed to reason and to predict other people’s actions and has also passed a few reasoning tests. Eddie or really, Edd Hifeng, isn’t yet walking around in Second Life, but it’s possible to talk to him. When I tried to contact him the other day, he wasn’t online so I couldn’t meet him “face-to-face”. Imagine meeting this new lifeform in a way, a first contact.

The researchers of the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute aren’t planning to leave little Eddie in the virtual world. They are working to bring him to us in real life. But first he’ll play in the 3D world of Second Life so he can grow and learn about how to be more like us. Eddie is part of a bigger project that Renselelaer is working on. It’s a holodec project like in the scifi series StarTrek. So our “first contact” might not be in Second Life, but in a holodec and a full size Eddie or someone else. The future awaits us and it looks really promising.

Blackout

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:48:36 GMT

I've blacked out my avatar, protesting the new internet law in New Zealand.

Today all my hopes died

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 14:48:47 GMT

My Mac died today and with it, all those files I should have backed-up ages ago. I have been promising myself for a long time that I will never let that happen again and still it did. I let it happen. All those files I had gathered during the months I have had it. Since I always do lots of things on the computer and since I'm unemployed I had a lot saved on it.

There was this folder with photos all sorted after date and camera. Everything is gone. I had several wordpress themes with photoshop files needed for it all half-ready. They are gone too. Other graphics, finished or half finished. Gone too. And of course all notes and my calendar and info about mail servers etc. It feels like half of my life is gone.

But the worst part is that all my ideas for stories and half finished stories are gone and my almost finished novel. I have never in my life finished a novel and this was almost done. I would have sent it in to publishing companies this spring. Now I don't know how to go on. How do I start over?

The cake that is my life

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:03:21 GMT

A very dear friend of mine had a blog post about her life as a cake. First it made me a bit sad because my cake looked so different from hers. Then I changed my mind, so this is my life - my cake. My plate with the cake looks a bit different. Some of the pieces are only made up of one layer and some are very nice with lots of cute decorations like marzipan roses and leaves. Some only have crumbles left because someone ate parts of them. Here are the pieces:

Myself: Yes I’m part of the cake. Can’t really avoid it, can I? I’m always there, can’t run away from myself, no matter how much I try.

Health: This part of the cake looks rather shabby. Portions of it has been eaten, even though it seems to have been a very nice cake from the start. It has lots of layers and decorations. I can’t remember inviting anyone to taste it, but I must have.

Kids: I have been ordering a piece of that from the bakery for years but so far they haven't delivered. I really must have that to make my cake complete.

Home: This piece seems to be made from different cakes that are just smashed together to build a piece. I want the real part that I ordered years ago.

Boyfriend: They never delivered that piece either. Over the years, they’ve delivered replacement cookies, but never a part of a cake. I remember that I had a part years ago, but somone must have eaten it.

Work: Someone ate it. I really should stay away from the friends that keeps eating my cakes.

Creativity: One of the nicest parts of the cake. Very high and with lots of nice decorations and layers.

Family: Few layers, but a very big part of the cake with nice decorations on it.

Friends: Only a few layers but still a big part of the cake.

There you have it, my life as a cake. It could have been a very nice and beautiful cake if all the pieces I’ve ordered had arrived and if I had stayed away from the friends that kept stealing from the cake. What does your cake look like?

Monthly shopping with shopping trolley

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:12:21 GMT

I usually do my grocery shopping for the whole month. I do that because I can’t afford to buy anything I really don’t need. It’s also stupid even if I could afford it. It's because I don’t have a driving licence, but mostly because I want to save our environment that I choose to do my shopping on foot with my shopping trolley.

It might not look all that cool to use one, but a lot has changed since those beige tartan checked ones that I remember from my childhood. And isn’t our environment worth some sacrifices?

Today I was up early to do my shopping. I imagined it would be less crowded at that time, but I was wrong. The store was filled with elderly women and men. Mostly women. Men seem to be the ones to do the weekend shopping. The few men that I saw were pushing the shopping carts and the women picked up the groceries.

These older people didn’t seem all that thrilled about shopping. At least they were in a bad mood. All of them seemed to feel that I was blocking their way with my shopping trolley. Not them, with their big shopping carts or walkers. Where are all the little ladies I remember from my childhood? The ones who dragged around their small shopping trollies on foot to pick up their milk and loaf of bread.

Lots of today's new retired people drive around in their big expensive petrol drinking cars and their cold cuts and semi-manufactured articles. These babyboomers that never had to think about what they spent. Those who just fell into the job market and landed great jobs effortlessly and are now living off fat pensions. They seem to think that worrying about the environment is for others. They can afford to do as they please. Someone else will have to worry about their grandkids.

Those old people, who were sneering at me and my trolley, were using up just as much space in the store, but clearly I was the one who was in the way. Despite that, I'm not going to cave under the pressure. I'll keep pulling my trolley for the sake of the environment, no matter how uncool it may look. Though I am considering doing my shopping late in the evening. Maybe then I'll be allowed to shop too.

Footsteps in the dark

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 20:07:40 GMT

What I’m about to tell you occurred late an autumn night when my kees girl needed to go out. It was dark, so dark that the streetlights only managed to light up a small part of the middle of the street. The rain had painted the asphalt in a dark grey shade and it was lined with brown autumn leaves. Then suddenly the silence was broken by the sound of footsteps. It might not have been exactly that sound, but it was close.

Both me and my kees turned around at the same time to see where the sound came from. There, in the middle of the street, was a big yellow leaf rolling down the street. It moved jerkily, but surprisingly straight. The strangest thing was that the sound was so loud. If I had closed my eyes, the illusion would have been of someone walking close by. Something kept me from closing my eyes though.

I gazed fascinated at the leaf until my dog dragged me back into the garden. She always likes to sit outside the gate to leave messages to passing dogs, but this time, she hurried into the garden. What was it that she saw? They say that dogs can see more than humans. She did her business as fast as she could and then dragged me towards the front door. She seemed to be in a big hurry to get inside into the warm house.

What was it she really saw out there in the dark?

Bunch of keys

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:53:41 GMT

Have you thought about how a bunch of keys can tell you a lot about a person? Do you have something attached to it? Like a plasticized photo? Or a teddy bear maybe? Or do you have chain in it? The teddy bear can make you feel safe. The photo shows who you care about. The chain can help you find the keys in a messy bag.

But a bunch of keys can show so much more. Recently, that occurred to me when looking at my decreasing collection of keys. Keys can symbolize status, responsibility, activity or even an entire life. Sound strange? Let me explain my reasoning.

If you lead an active life perhaps you have the key to your summer cottage, speedboat, garage, storage room etc. Many keys can also be a sign of responsibility at your workplace. Front door, your own private office, main key to several doors, keys to cupboards etc.

On the other hand, if you’re unemployed you don’t have any keys to any work place. If you’re poor you can’t afford a car, so no car key, key to your garage etc. I remember how sad my grandfather was when he moved in with my mother after my grandmother died. He didn’t have any home of his own so he didn’t need a key. No key, no life.

It must be how the poor men and women moving into an old folk’s home feel. Must be like becoming a kid again. Someone else has the responsibility. Someone else is in charge.

I’m hoping that I’ll soon have a bigger bunch of keys. If I get that job I’m hoping to get, I’ll get a key to my work place. I love the accessories, the chain, the teddy bear and all that. but a bunch of keys with only the key to my home feels empty and sad.

Garbage!

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:24:04 GMT

I am using the first days of my unemployment, tidying up the garage. Not that much fun, but necessary. Part of that job is to shuttle back and forth between my home and the recycling plant. I’m referring to a bigger place than our usual garbage sorting stations, where you can leave cans, bottles, paper wrappers and newspapers. At this place you can also dump bigger stuff, like tree branches, entire sofas, electronics, bicycles and so on.

Strangely enough, I’ve never been to that kind of place before. I always thought they were just your average garbage dump/landfill. A stinking place with seagulls circling around all over the place. And the people working there would be wearing overalls and heavy boots to avoid the worst filth. It turned out my expectations were quite wrong.

You have to drive up a ramp, surrounded by all kinds of dumpsters with neat signs saying heavy garbage, wood, metall, car batteries and so on. Some of them there were more than one of, others not.

This environment is for the greater part male. The employees are men and most of those who deliver garbage are men too. Sometimes a woman comes along to advise her husband, but mainly the garbage bringers are men. I felt clearly that I belonged to a tiny minority as a young woman without the requisite accompanying male.

What surprised me the most were the employees. Sure, they wore a type of overalls, but not sort of protective coverings. Instead, they look surprisingly ordinary. They’ve collected dumped house plants of all kinds, and planted them in trunks, bowls, waste baskets and similar containers dumped by people. It looks quite cozy and the mood is calm and welcoming.

I’ll still need to go a few more times before the garage and the storage room is done and I’m already looking forward to my next visit at the recycling plant.

I'll make bags!

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:48:41 GMT

Yesterday I went to buy fabrics. Now I’ll design bags. It will be great to make them, but even better to use them. In the future, when I can afford it, I’ll order fabrics with my own pattern on. That will be awesome;).

The Glass Bubble

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:33:20 GMT

I’m trapped inside a bubble - an unbreakable sphere of glass. Outside, life seems to rush past it - past me. Children grow up, get married, have kids of their own. They travel, work and shop. In other words, they have a life.

Deep inside nothing ever happens. I don’t work, meet anyone or have children. All I can do is watch the others. Those who have a life. Something I lack.

I watch myself inside the bubble. The others don’t see me. What isn’t seen doesn’t exist. Inside the sphere time seems to stand still. I’m the same. Nothing happens, nothing changes.

Someone outside, help me, notice me. Break the bubble. I want to get out. Out into your world. I want to live - again.

A walk in the sun

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 20:14:51 GMT

I have been feeling really low for a long time. Maybe low isn’t the right word. I big grey nothingness has been filling me up. Today though, I took a walk in the sunshine. It was warm and sunny and there were spring flowers everywhere. I felt almost happy for a little while.

Male beauty?

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 20:03:33 GMT

A while back, I bought a magazine, because there were some articles in it about being burned out. The readers could send in their questions and views. I found this very interesting. Among other things, there was this man asking if the magazine was only for women since the magazine never had a man on the frontc page.

A very relevant question, I felt and I was eager to learn the answer. The response made me both upset and surprised. The tone was ironic - of course they could occasionally show a man on the front page but in that case they had to accept that they would only sell about half of what they usually did.

Are people really that non politically correct? I can’t believe that they have actually made a survey about it. And why would people in general not buy a magazine just because they show a man on the front page?
Is that true? Do I belong to a minority, that appreciates seeing a photo of a handsome man? Do most people choose magazines after what face they see on the front page? In that case, I simply don’t get it.

Why can’t the editors of the ladies’ magazines stand up for more equal media?

A few years ago, one of our major clothes retailers put Marcus Schenkenberg, in a sexy pose, in their ads, instead of the usual porn (women only, of course). Unfortunately, they didn’t follow through. The year after Marcus, they had a bland, non-descript older man and after that, only undernourished females, simpering ‘come and get me’.

Come on!

Let’s see a little more male beauty on our magazine covers!

Do looks matter?

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 14:07:58 GMT

Beauty is in eye in the beholder, they say. Does that saying contain a portion of truth? Maybe, but in any case, looks do matter a great deal, whatever we might feel about it. Some people seem to be condemned to be left outside and others to be in the center of things, being admired.

I have always felt that my looks were never enough. I have always been the kind friend that hasn't been "girlfriend material". The one that the guys cries with when their girlfriend have left them, and have always been there for them. Of course you can always argue that it doesn't have any anything to do with my looks. That the explanation might lie in my personality.

Everything can be explained away. If an overweight person doesn't get the job, you can always say she or he lacked in social competence and that it didn't have anything to do with looks. Despite that, research shows that looks, like height and weight, matters a great deal for the outcome of a work interview.

On the internet, I've been given a chance, to see both worlds. I started out as the invisible ugly girl to be one of the popular admired ones. Ever since I was a teenager I've hated to have my picture taken and the few photos of me that I have from those days are awful. Every time I've tried to show those pictures online, I've gotten the same reaction as I've had from people I've met.

Now I've learned to take good pictures of myself. Self portraits with clever angles and lights. Pictures that I later worked on in PhotoShop (slight alterations, but important ones) and suddenly I looked like a model. The effect was amazing. Now I get more attention than I want to. People that never would have looked twice at me, suddenly want to be my friend. One wanted to send me presents from the other side of the world and the compliments are raining over me. The strange thing is, I'm still the same. I haven't changed.

Of course it's great to feel pretty, but since I've seen both worlds, I know that it doesn't matter all that much. I know now that people only care about me for my looks. The looks, I've only "borrowed" from my photographic skills and my cleverness with PhotoPhop. So do looks matter, I mean really matter? You don't get more friends, only more attention. Does that really matter?

Barbie for grownups!!!

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 12:45:30 GMT

I had ordered it online, a couple of weeks earlier. Even though it’s very handy to do that, I always feel it takes forever to get the delivery. First you have to sign the agreement and send it back. Not until that’s done, can you get the new phone number. After that, you can only wait. Hopefully it’s just as good as it seemed when I read up on it, when I compared it with similar phones. Ok, ok, I confess, I am a techno geek. I love my electronic gadgets. I still have them all. All the old mobile phones and computers that I have owned. There’s actually quite a collection and it takes up a lot of room, but like I said, I love them.

I unpack the package that I’ve just picked up at the post office. I’m so excited to take it up and test it. And there it is, in the transparent box with a lid in orange plastic. My happiness is complete. Suddenly I’m struck with a dejá vú. Sometime a very long time age, I’ve felt exactly the same way. And then it occurs to me. Every time I unpacked a new Barbie, Skipper or one of the other fantastic dolls, I felt like this. Oh yes I know, it’s not all that politically correct to love Barbie dolls. They are plastic and have huge breasts.

As a small kid I learned that I wasn’t allowed to like them. And as I grow up I understood that my growing breasts had to be something wrong too. And since I also had a slim waist, like Barbie, I dressed up in loose fitting clothes, trying to hide.

But back to my new mobile phone. I play with it. Almost hugging it.:) And then I realize that it’s got to get a name. A name that reflects my feelings towards it. Barbie is the first that comes into my mind, but since my feelings for this doll are a bit mixed, I settle for Skipper. Skipper is politically correct enough. She is flat chested and totally lacks a waist. Just like my new W800. Smiling, I plug in the charger and start to test all the new features.

Being burned out

Mon, 08 May 2006 14:27:58 GMT

So, now I am officially burned out... According to my doctor.

Actually, it's nothing to laugh about - far from it. Imagine that you can't really get any work done. Watch the screen for hours and not be able to focus on what you're supposed to be doing. That your mood is going up and down like a rollercoaster. No, like I said, it's not something to laugh about, quite the opposite, in fact.

Still it feels strange to be among this group of ppl who just can't cope with society and its rapid pace. You are part of society, yet not. People who never really notice me come up to me, with a concerned look, asking how I am. Suddenly it's very much ok to skip this or that meeting. Or out of the blue you're just offered a pay raise and a work computer at home.

Sure, it's nice to be so much cared for, but where were all these helpful people before it got this far. If I had been given these opportunities before, I might not even have found myself in this situation.

Still, it makes me feel a bit sad. The work load is still there. I know I still have a lot I have to do. Even if people understand, I can't really let go. My doctor just let me go on sick leave, part time, which might have been the best thing to do. Right now, the summer feels very far away considering all the work I have to do before that.

I have a job that I love, usually anyway, but now I'm looking for a new one. A job where I can be free when I'm supposed be free. Where I can have a resonable work load. A job where I can be appreciated for who I am and not only for the work I'm able to do.

Right now, everything is kind of black for me and I can't find a way out of this state of mind. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better, but it didn't. It only got worse. So, this will be enough for this time. I will be back when I have something nice to write about...

Do you feel discriminated!

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 21:23:40 GMT

I live in Sweden and the events I'm referring to happened here. However I think that most people can relate to this anyway.

A little while ago I read about a man that couldn't get a job. He was convinced that it was because of his foreign name. He might have a point there. We have one of the highest percentages of academics working as taxi drivers in Europe. You meet racism where you least expect it. People I know who appear to be both intelligent and reasonable that suddenly say something very discriminating.

Does the racism exist inside us all? Or do some people hide it on purpose and then act on it when they're among what they perceive as 'their kind of people'.

Anyway, about that man who couldn't get a job. Was the foreign background the only reason? Or could there be other explanations? He might have been very talented in his occupation, but that isn't relevant here. I don't know anything about that, but on the other hand nor did his potential employers.

Could his age have had something to do with it? He was in his fifties. I believe it's difficult for other people of his age to get a new job. Or was the reason that he didn't have the nessesary connections that he could use? If you are new to a place you haven't got enough friends to help you like people who have lived there for a long time.

Perhaps it's too easy to just to pick one reason. It's easier to blame it on other people's prejudices when the problem might be much bigger. You can experience discrimination because of your gender. Young women aren't considered to be loyal enough and might out of the blue get pregnant. Strangely enough, men of the same age aren't considered to be a problem.

Older women don't get any jobs either, but that depends on their age. You can get discriminated because of your sexual orientation. The potential employer might feel uncomfortable having a gay person in her/his organisation or perhaps be afraid that other employers might feel that way.

When I read the article I was at first irritated about how the man was treated. After that recognized myself in the treatment, even though I'm not a man, over 50 or foreign. That might sound strange, but let me explain. I too have difficultes to get a job. I applied for a lot of jobs, but only one potential employer replied (I didn't get the job).

What was it about me that they didn't like? Was it because I'm a female who might get pregnant? Or that I didn't have the necessary connections? Or that I'm single? Or that I'm not attractive enough? I have no idea. What I do know is that it can't be that I don't have enough experience. I have 5 years of experience in my occupation. On top of that I have a BA and some other degrees.

Today, I have a job. I got it thanks to my very limited connections. I like to work there, and my collegues like me and I'm good at what I do. Despite that, I'm convinced that I will have the same problems getting a new job if I find myself unemployed again.

Do you feel discriminated? I did.

Searching for Tomorrow

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 20:31:51 GMT

A beautiful day!

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 22:18:23 GMT

More snow!

Zorella loves the snow

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 21:49:18 GMT

Zorella is playing with her friends.

Blogging

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 20:36:25 GMT

I'm new to this blogging thing. What is it about anyway? Are people really interested in my views on things? Let's give it a try. Welcome to my new blog. This will be my attempt to explore the blogging world.